Single Chick Spends 14 Years With Mannequin Family To Prove That You Can Be Happy And Single

crazybitch crazybitch1crazybitch2crazybitch3

Twentytwowords- After hearing the same question over and over from friends and family — “Why aren’t you married yet?” — artist Suzanne Heintz got tired of it and set out to do something about it. She got herself a little family…of mannequins. Over the course of 14 years and 10,000 miles of travel, she took her fake family everywhere and took all kinds of “family” pictures….

Wanna know what’s worse than hearing “Why aren’t you married yet?” over and over again from your friends? Literally not having one single friend left to hear anything from because you spent the last 14 years traveling 10,000 miles around the world with your fake fucking family. I mean yeah it must suck hitting that age when everyone starts settling down having kids and shit and you’re still single. But being known as the batshit crazy mannequin lady has gotta be just a tad worse than waiting for Mr. Right. And the funny thing is this bitch isn’t even that ugly. Now obviously I wouldn’t fuck her but trust me there are plenty of dudes out there who would line up to give her a whirl. Not fat. Kinda cute smile. Not fat. Well you can throw all that right out the fuckin window the second you start circling the globe with a family made of fiberglass. Who in their right mind would want to be the guy who got hitched to the psychopath coming fresh off a 14 year relationship with Woody Harrelson’s plastic doppelganger? Not even joking I’d rather be the first dude to date Casey Anthony right outta jail than this freak show.

And I love that she’s claiming all of this is art. Absolutely love it. Such a textbook chick move I can’t even stand it. Hey Suzanne creating a fake family and taking them on vacations ain’t art. It’s fucking insane. Now go buy a paintbrush and an eHarmony account and shut the fuck up.

March 4, 2014 Leave a comment

University Of Akron Summerfest Looked Like A Good Time

Wait a second this happened in Akron Ohio? Hmm you don’t say. I thought the only time people rioted in the streets of Akron and acted like complete animals was when LeBron pissed all over their faces on national television. I guess Summerfest is no joke though? Stay classy Akron…

PS- Love the dude at the 1:50 mark with the weakest right kicks in history. Hey bro the car just got smashed into a billion pieces flipped on its hood and set on fire. Relax Shawn Michaels. The damage is done.

September 4, 2013 Leave a comment

Nina Agdal Just Stopped My Heart

nina agdal1nina agdal nina3 nina4

Listen everybody knows that I’m a huge Candice Swanepoel guy. I’ve been saying that she’s the hottest chick on the planet for over two years and I stand by that. But having said that after seeing these pictures of Nina Agdal I’m seriously second guessing myself. Because this girl is just absolute perfection. I mean you can’t teach beauty like this. Perfect face, perfect body, perfect hair. The total package. And are you fucking kidding me with those tan lines? Honestly might be the hottest things I’ve ever seen. Just pure unadulterated sex. So I guess what I’m saying is Candice is still number one in my heart but you better believe Nina Agdal is coming for that ass…

August 2, 2013 Leave a comment

Korean Chick’s Driving Test Goes Pretty Much How You Expect

You see it’s funny because Asian people and chicks suck at driving.

August 2, 2013 Leave a comment

Dude With 132 Pound Scrotum Gets His Own TV Show On TLC

scrotumdude

Daily Beast - TLC has always gone balls out when it comes to scheduling baity, some might say pandering, programming to woo viewers over to the network. But now it seems to be taking things to a new level. Wesley Warren Jr., a 49-year-old from Las Vegas, suffers from the rare condition scrotal lymphedema, making “simple tasks like walking, preparing meals, and even going to the restroom” difficult, according to the TLC release. Warren’s condition sounds fascinating and horrifying, but making a TV special about extremely large balls does seem a bit exploitative, especially considering the specials and series TLC has aired in the past. The network,  The Learning Channel, will air a special, The Man With the 132 Lb. Scrotum, on August 19.

First things first. I have no issue with Wesley Warren Jr. getting his own TV special. If you look like a serial killer version of Charles Barkley and have a ball sack the size of China you take whatever opportunity you can get to be on television no questions asked. There’s probably some freak show chick out there with a fetish for huge balls that will watch this show and want to bang him. So I got no problem with WWJ trying to grab a little bit of limelight. But what the fuck is going on with the people over at TLC programming headquarters who think that airing this shit is a good idea? Like I can just picture a bunch of white dudes in suits sitting around a table bouncing off ideas before finally saying fuck it and coming up with this trash. A two hour feature on a dude’s massive scrotum. Unbelievable. I legitimately can’t even remember the last time The Learning Channel had any learning on it. Between the psychopaths drinking gasoline and snorting their family member’s ashes on My Strange Addiction to the guy with the 132 pound bag of family jewels, TLC is absolutely the worst channel on television.

PS- I bet this dude has the most legendary cum shots in the history of the world. Fire hose city.

August 2, 2013 Leave a comment

Don’t Call It A Comeback

20130802-001144.jpg

Because I never left. But after wreaking havoc on the city of Boston for the past year I think it’s about damn time I got back to my roots. Time to dust off the keyboard fire up the engine and bring back the blogging machine. I won’t be posting daily like I used to but I feel like I’ve been doing the world a huge injustice by not commenting on all of the crazy shit that’s happened in the past year. I mean what kind of an asshole am I for basically being at ground zero during the Marathon bombing and not sharing my story. For Christ sakes a Patriots player triple murdered a bunch of dudes and I didn’t say a peep. Not to mention all of the horrible, disturbing, and hilarious things I encounter on a daily basis. Oh and hot chick’s tits and asses. I absolutely haven’t stopped caring about hot chick’s tits and asses. Bottom line is I’m fired up to get the blog up and running again. And for the 13 of you reading this I hope you are too.

PS- My hair is so sexual I can’t even stand it.

August 1, 2013 1 Comment

10 Years In A Basement For $10 Million Bucks: What Are You Bringing With You?

You are being forced to spend the next 10 years of your life in a basement. After those 10 years, you will receive $10 mil. Your basement comes fully furnished with a good bed, sink, a toilet, a shower and a trash chute. You are also being given a bonus 30 points to spend on items/amenities that you can take with you to your basement. BONUS BONUS: If you half your $10 mil payout to $5 mil, you will receive 35 points to spend. If you reduce your payout to zero, you receive 40 points.

points

10 years in a basement for 10 million dollars. 30 points to spend. Let’s do this.

First of all I have a huge problem with whoever came up with this whole thing. You get 3 choices for food, 3 choices for drugs, multiple choices for entertainment, and yet when it comes down to the most important decision you have no choice at all. Of course I’m talking about the hot 18 year old chick who will fuck you whenever you want. I mean on paper that sounds amazing. Who wouldn’t want to spend 10 years in a basement with a blazing hot slam piece. But at a cost of 18 points? Get the fuck out of here with that garbage. I’ll stick to beating off into a tube sock if you’re gonna charge me that kind of coin. My question is why isn’t there a second and third tier of girl to choose from? Why isn’t there an average looking chick for 12 points and an ugly fat bitch for 6 points? Because let’s be real I could give a FUCK what the broad looks like if I’m gonna be by myself. Not like I have to show her off to my friends and family and take her out on dates or anything like that. She’s literally just a warm hole I can shove my small lonely dick in. Nothing more, nothing less. But since that isn’t an option looks like I’ll be mutilating myself raw for the next 10 years. Hope they include unlimited Jergens in my hygiene supplies. Which brings me to my choices…

Full kitchen with unlimited ingredients – 6 points - If I’m gonna be trapped in a basement for 10 years I have got to find ways to keep myself busy. And what better way to do that than cooking full course meals for myself 3 times a day? I mean yeah fast food would be delicious for the first month or so but I don’t really wanna have a heart attack before I can collect the 10 mil. Not to mention the fact that I’ll be a regular fuckin Gordon Ramsay by the time I get out. Full kitchen for sure.

TV with all cable channels and premium packages – 7 points – It was extremely hard to say no to internet. Trust me. When I’m on the subway and go underground and don’t have a 3G or wifi connection for like 7 minutes I feel like I’m a kid lost in a supermarket. But like the hot chick, 16 points is just way too steep of a price especially when you factor in the additional 6 points I’d have to spend on the computer itself. So TV it is. Live sports, HBO, and movie channels. And news channels in case I feel like knowing what’s going on in the world around me. Pretty much all I need. I jerked off to Cinemax after dark for the first 16 years of my life. I can surely do it again.

Unlimited drugs – 5 points - Now I’m sure everybody thought I would pick unlimited booze in a heartbeat. But fuck that noise. Believe it or not I consider myself a social drinker. Even if I’m drinking alone at a bar at least other people are around me. Blacking out by yourself kinda sucks. Drugs on the other hand is a whole different ball game. I don’t even do drugs but you better believe if I got 10 years to kill I’m gonna try everything in the fuckin book. Just passing the time by fucking my face with pills and smack and going on benders that would make Charlie Sheen blush. Unlimited drugs FTW.

Full Gym with Basketball court and batting cage – 5 points - I don’t want to become a complete piece of shit doing drugs watching movies and masturbating all day. And since I’m already gonna be a gourmet chef by the time it’s all said and done I might as well be ripped to shreds too. Come out of this thing looking like fuckin Adonis with 10 million large in my pocket. Most eligible bachelor. Ever.

Skylight – 2 points - Pale people are fucking disgusting.

Hygiene products – 3 points - Three things in life I take very seriously. Brushing my teeth, wiping my ass, and beating my dick. Gotta splurge on the hygiene products to stay fresh.

*Add 5 points for 5 million*

Surround sound system with all recorded music – 4 points - This will come in very handy when I’m working out and abusing every drug under the sun

Cell phone that works one day a week – 3 points - I guess I should probably stay in contact with my friends and family. Bang out a few FaceTime sessions every Monday to let them know that I haven’t OD’d or jerked myself off to death and get back to business.

So there you have it. At the end of the day when I really think about it this whole idea sounds fucking awesome. Spending 10 years in a decked out basement eating amazing food, working out, taking drugs, beating off, tanning, jamming out, and watching TV and movies without anyone bitching at me? And no responsibilities? Forget about sacrificing 5 million bucks to get 5 extra points. Hell I’d probably do this shit for free.

PS- Dominating hypothetical scenario shit like this just once again proves to me that I was the best Oregon Trail player of all time back in elementary school and it wasn’t even close.

March 2, 2013 1 Comment

Hey Bro Your Balls Just Exploded

Gotta give credit to this guy for not puking all over himself because I nearly did just watching this. If this dude is still able to procreate after this than his balls must be made out of concrete.

March 2, 2013 Leave a comment