You are being forced to spend the next 10 years of your life in a basement. After those 10 years, you will receive $10 mil. Your basement comes fully furnished with a good bed, sink, a toilet, a shower and a trash chute. You are also being given a bonus 30 points to spend on items/amenities that you can take with you to your basement. BONUS BONUS: If you half your $10 mil payout to $5 mil, you will receive 35 points to spend. If you reduce your payout to zero, you receive 40 points.
10 years in a basement for 10 million dollars. 30 points to spend. Let’s do this.
First of all I have a huge problem with whoever came up with this whole thing. You get 3 choices for food, 3 choices for drugs, multiple choices for entertainment, and yet when it comes down to the most important decision you have no choice at all. Of course I’m talking about the hot 18 year old chick who will fuck you whenever you want. I mean on paper that sounds amazing. Who wouldn’t want to spend 10 years in a basement with a blazing hot slam piece. But at a cost of 18 points? Get the fuck out of here with that garbage. I’ll stick to beating off into a tube sock if you’re gonna charge me that kind of coin. My question is why isn’t there a second and third tier of girl to choose from? Why isn’t there an average looking chick for 12 points and an ugly fat bitch for 6 points? Because let’s be real I could give a FUCK what the broad looks like if I’m gonna be by myself. Not like I have to show her off to my friends and family and take her out on dates or anything like that. She’s literally just a warm hole I can shove my small lonely dick in. Nothing more, nothing less. But since that isn’t an option looks like I’ll be mutilating myself raw for the next 10 years. Hope they include unlimited Jergens in my hygiene supplies. Which brings me to my choices…
Full kitchen with unlimited ingredients – 6 points - If I’m gonna be trapped in a basement for 10 years I have got to find ways to keep myself busy. And what better way to do that than cooking full course meals for myself 3 times a day? I mean yeah fast food would be delicious for the first month or so but I don’t really wanna have a heart attack before I can collect the 10 mil. Not to mention the fact that I’ll be a regular fuckin Gordon Ramsay by the time I get out. Full kitchen for sure.
TV with all cable channels and premium packages – 7 points – It was extremely hard to say no to internet. Trust me. When I’m on the subway and go underground and don’t have a 3G or wifi connection for like 7 minutes I feel like I’m a kid lost in a supermarket. But like the hot chick, 16 points is just way too steep of a price especially when you factor in the additional 6 points I’d have to spend on the computer itself. So TV it is. Live sports, HBO, and movie channels. And news channels in case I feel like knowing what’s going on in the world around me. Pretty much all I need. I jerked off to Cinemax after dark for the first 16 years of my life. I can surely do it again.
Unlimited drugs – 5 points - Now I’m sure everybody thought I would pick unlimited booze in a heartbeat. But fuck that noise. Believe it or not I consider myself a social drinker. Even if I’m drinking alone at a bar at least other people are around me. Blacking out by yourself kinda sucks. Drugs on the other hand is a whole different ball game. I don’t even do drugs but you better believe if I got 10 years to kill I’m gonna try everything in the fuckin book. Just passing the time by fucking my face with pills and smack and going on benders that would make Charlie Sheen blush. Unlimited drugs FTW.
Full Gym with Basketball court and batting cage – 5 points - I don’t want to become a complete piece of shit doing drugs watching movies and masturbating all day. And since I’m already gonna be a gourmet chef by the time it’s all said and done I might as well be ripped to shreds too. Come out of this thing looking like fuckin Adonis with 10 million large in my pocket. Most eligible bachelor. Ever.
Skylight – 2 points - Pale people are fucking disgusting.
Hygiene products – 3 points - Three things in life I take very seriously. Brushing my teeth, wiping my ass, and beating my dick. Gotta splurge on the hygiene products to stay fresh.
*Add 5 points for 5 million*
Surround sound system with all recorded music – 4 points - This will come in very handy when I’m working out and abusing every drug under the sun
Cell phone that works one day a week – 3 points - I guess I should probably stay in contact with my friends and family. Bang out a few FaceTime sessions every Monday to let them know that I haven’t OD’d or jerked myself off to death and get back to business.
So there you have it. At the end of the day when I really think about it this whole idea sounds fucking awesome. Spending 10 years in a decked out basement eating amazing food, working out, taking drugs, beating off, tanning, jamming out, and watching TV and movies without anyone bitching at me? And no responsibilities? Forget about sacrificing 5 million bucks to get 5 extra points. Hell I’d probably do this shit for free.
PS- Dominating hypothetical scenario shit like this just once again proves to me that I was the best Oregon Trail player of all time back in elementary school and it wasn’t even close.